2 November 2009
How to Manage Complaints
Posted by Moss under: communication .
I once worked with two brothers who were in line to take over the family business. Their father, a successful entrepreneur in a retail business, had asked me to help his sons learn to stop their constant complaining and backstabbing. He predicted that the business would fail unless they learned how to cooperate and be more respectful to each other.
I worked with the two complainers over the course of two years. Although they recognized the faults of complaining, they kept pointing fingers at each other. I was ready to throw in the towel a number of times. I struggled to get some traction but it was difficult.
One strategy did work. We used the complaint as a starting point and then probed to discover what the real issue was. For example, there was a complaint about how much time one brother took for lunch, one hour compared to the other brothers half hour lunch. Under this complaint, the brother was able to say how upsetting and frustrating he felt. Instead of complaining, “you’re irresponsible and don’t care about the business,” he leaned to say, “I get really upset when I’m working the store and you’re not available”
He began to move away from complaints to stating an underlying upset or distress. We talked for a while about why this bothered him so much. He then got to he real issue, what he really wanted. Under the upset and frustration he had an unmet need or desire. He wanted to be appreciated and valued by his older brother for how hard he was working. For the first time his brother listened. They were no longer in the world of complaints. They were in the land of understanding a core desire.
Bottom Line
- Complaints are distractions; they stop partners from finding productive solutions to problems.
- Complaints can be personal and cause a rash of counter-complaints.
- Under every complaint is an upset or frustration.
- Under every upset and frustration is an unmet need, wish, or desire.
- Surface the core unmet wish.
- Problem solve and execute
