27 Mar NAVIGATING YOUR LIFE: HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
Moss Jackson, PhD
Clinical Psychologist and Success Coach
Welcome back!
My mission is to help you to create and have extraordinary lives of success, accomplishment and satisfaction. In “Navigating For Success,” I wrote about what success looks like and what might be the essential buildings blocks to actually have the life you deserve.
HOW COUPLES COMMUNICATE
In today’s post, a continuation of several previous posts on Navigating Your Relationship, I want to focus on communication. Perhaps an example of good vs bad communication might be useful to start this discussion.
BAD COMMUNICATION
Eric and Beth are struggling. They are in a power struggle in which they appear locked into a fight to win. There is little real listening present, the kind of listening in which each person tries to understand and appreciate the different needs and points of view involved. When Beth attempts to tell Eric what she is upset about, e.g., finding the living area strewn with magazines, some beer bottles and remnants of a pizza, it comes out as blaming, accusatory and demeaning. She might say something like, “Eric, you always leave your crap around the house. What are you, a child whose mother never taught him to take some responsibility and clean up after himself?”
Eric reacts quickly, striking back with a retort such as, “At least I had a mother who was caring and loving. All you do is bitch and complain. You’re lucky to have a husband like me who goes to work every day and brings home a paycheck. Can’t you give a guy a break once in a while and just let me relax?”
Beth and Eric quickly circle downward, each one taking shots at the other. After several rounds of mutual attack, hurt and anger fill the room, voices rise in loudness and defensiveness, eventually resulting in Beth running into the bedroom and telling Eric to sleep with his pizza and beer. Eric opens another bottle, kicks the pizza box and slumps down into the couch to watch a movie.
WHAT WAS MISSED?
Beth really likes the house kept clean and orderly. Instead of simply saying the room looks messy to her and asking Eric if he would help her out by tidying it up a bit and keeping a light touch in her speaking, she moves in quickly and attacks. Eric, taking her comments too personally, gets defensive and begins the counterattack. Instead, He could have responded with “Gee, sorry I left such a mess, I know it bothers you. Tell you what, let me finish this show I am watching and I will take care of it.” This would let Beth know he heard her, appreciates her sensitivity to disorder and expresses his willingness to take on some responsibility.
DIFFERENT NEEDS
They both have needs that require mutual appreciation. Beth is somewhat perfectionistic and Eric is self-indulgent. What is missing is a sense of mutual caring where both partners are willing to compromise and work things out. Instead of making a blaming statement and putting each other down, they try to understand each other’s needs and sensitivities and offer solutions that might build some good will.
TIPS TO NAVIGATE AN UPSET
- Listen and acknowledge your partner’s upset
- Do not counterattack even if you feel like it
- If angry, step away and calm down
- Try to appreciate your partner’s underlying need or desire.
- Under every complaint is a hidden need or desire
- Thank your partner for understanding your feelings
- Do not put your partner in a corner by demanding an immediate action
- Thank you partner if he responds by letting you know he understands and is willing to problem solve
- Do not stare or glare while waiting for your partner to do something
- If he/she does not take care of it within some reasonable time and it continues to bother you, quietly clean it up yourself since it is really your problem and not his
- At another time, when you are calmer, let your partner know why the situation was upsetting to you and ask if he/she would be willing in the future to be thoughtful of your feelings, even if he/she thinks you might beat little too rigid
NAVIGATE, NOT SURVIVE
Remember, your marriage is a long term relationship which requires considerable patience, mutual consideration and creative problem solving. Bring some patience, consideration and a light touch to bothersome situations. Chances are you and your partner just see the situation from different perspectives. Your personal needs might differ but your common interest is in keeping the relationship intact. Compromise can go a long way to lower frustration and anger and raise your ability to navigate and not just survive.
Hope you continue to be interested in my blog series on Navigating Your Life. Feel free to sign up for the series. Let me know if you would like to learn more about navigating relationships.
You might want to get my book on Amazon, “Navigating For Success.”